Shared Night Panic

Heavenly This American Life.

Today I listened to one about fear of sleeping. At the end, Ira Glass (the main guy) talked about how he always associates sleeping with death and he's always surprised that not everyone feels that way. Then he had a bunch of people say a few things about their nighttime panic attacks about death that are EXACTLY like mine. And III'M always surprised that everyone doesn't do that too. I've been having them since I was very very young, but I've discussed them with several people and a lot don't really know what I'm talking about.

Here's what some people on the show said:

"It's like a complete instant panic attack where I'm just clutching the sheets and going 'oh God, oh God, oh God, oh no.'"

"I'll just hang onto the bed and go 'no no no no no no no' and I'm just wanting to scream"

"There's something about being half-asleep specifically that causes the realization to actually take effect"

"When this wakes me up in the middle of the night it's because I'm right. It's going to happen."

"It's not an irrational fear. It's like you understand that you're mortal. That your life is going to be over at some point."

"I cry and I just get really sad and I try to breathe, I try to breathe real deeply and I just think 'there's nothing I can do.' The terror is overtaken by sadness. I just want it to not be true."

There's no reason for it to feel better to hear other people describe my exact experiences... but it kind of does. Here's a poem by Philip Larkin about it:

Aubade I work all day, and get half-drunk at night. Waking at four to soundless dark, I stare. In time the curtain-edges will grow light. Till then I see what's really always there: Unresting death, a whole day nearer now, Making all thought impossible but how And where and when I shall myself die. Arid interrogation: yet the dread Of dying, and being dead, Flashes afresh to hold and horrify. The mind blanks at the glare. Not in remorse - The good not done, the love not given, time Torn off unused - nor wretchedly because An only life can take so long to climb Clear of its wrong beginnings, and may never; But at the total emptiness for ever, The sure extinction that we travel to And shall be lost in always. Not to be here, Not to be anywhere, And soon; nothing more terrible, nothing more true. This is a special way of being afraid No trick dispels. Religion used to try, That vast, moth-eaten musical brocade Created to pretend we never die, And specious stuff that says No rational being Can fear a thing it will not feel, not seeing That this is what we fear - no sight, no sound, No touch or taste or smell, nothing to think with, Nothing to love or link with, The anasthetic from which none come round. And so it stays just on the edge of vision, A small, unfocused blur, a standing chill That slows each impulse down to indecision. Most things may never happen: this one will, And realisation of it rages out In furnace-fear when we are caught without People or drink. Courage is no good: It means not scaring others. Being brave Lets no one off the grave. Death is no different whined at than withstood. Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape. It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know, Have always known, know that we can't escape, Yet can't accept. One side will have to go. Meanwhile telephones crouch, getting ready to ring In locked-up offices, and all the uncaring Intricate rented world begins to rouse. The sky is white as clay, with no sun. Work has to be done. Postmen like doctors go from house to house.

A Bunch of Warm and Fuzzies

I LOVE the onset of seasons!!!! I LOOOOVE when people are bundled in their fall-wear! I'm probably biased, but I think fall is ESPECIALLY nice in a college, Boston setting. Some majestic old trees against the red brownstone buildings. All the students look trendy with their scarves and hats and vibrant colors and sipping on their coffees and teas with rosy cheeks and noses. People inside pouring over books and slowly eating a cup of soup. I like that the darkness sets in before 6pm and the sun is up before I can even THINK about opening my eyes. I love fresh apples and hot apple cider. I love fall playlists on your ipod-- especially when you steal someone else's fall playlist and a lot of the songs are unfamiliar but distinctly fall!

I'm procrastinating... but I just want to say that the travel mug idea-- gold! If I put a tea bag into my cup in the morning, there is no shortage of places that will give me free hot water throughout the day! Plus, it's caffeine but it doesn't FEEL like a huge body-altering amount. It doesn't feel like it'll give you a crash... but hard to say.

A little bit ago, I decided I was over my standard lipton tea bag and went to get a chai latte instead. Well they didn't accept cards and I only had $3.50 when it cost $3.91 (which I think is pretty ridiculous, especially when I was supplying my own mug...). Anyway, the girl making the chai latte ended up giving it to me for free!! Actually, more correctly, she bought it for me with her own points! And she wouldn't even accept my $3.50 in cash! How incredibly kind!!!! I've decided that my $3.50 is going to have to go to a street performer or someone homeless or something.

Also, I know that it's hard to find time, but I have to SERIOUSLY recommend getting the free podcast to NPR's This American Life. It just makes you feel REALLY good! I know that listening to radio for an hour is kind of hard, and I don't know that I would do it if my job wasn't made for listening to the radio, but... seriously. It's amazing!

Lastly, I've shown this video to a bunch of people and so... if you're bored and want 7 minutes of ... warm and fuzzies, I would recommend watching this Jon Stewart interview of a boy from Africa who built a windmill using only a library book picture and things he found. It's very cute and funny.

Four Parts and the Longest One is About TV...

I guess fortunately (?) my life has reached such a momentum that I can no longer write everything I do, despite what seemed to be my insatiable need to record all of my own dull doings. So, I will break it (my life) into parts and see what happens:

Part 1: Blythe-specific Selective Media Coverage (if you loosely define "media coverage")

The Daily Show and The Colbert Report are back. Thank god! Even the few things that I actually saw on my own (without their coaxing) were infinitely funnier and more illuminating when they showed it to me.

The Office is also back!!! (YEEESS!!!!!) I thought the first episode was great, which is a good sign because I had awfully high expectations.

Right afterwards was the new show Community, which seemed a little offensive about community colleges... but it seemed funny enough. I only watched until the first commercial because ... I guess it didn't capture me enough. BUT John Oliver, one of my favorite Daily Show correspondents, was a main character. The real question is where is this Community going to go when 30 Rock comes after it's time-slot on October 15th? Also, I do NOT have faith in Parks and Recreations.

On the radio front, I HIGHLY recommend subscribing to the free podcast of This American Life... although I wouldn't hold anyone against not doing it because... I don't know anyone who really has the time to listen to an hour of radio. But if you DO have the time... or a long drive or something... pretty much every episode inspires me or illuminates something for me or makes me rethink or recognize the complexity of things I thought I knew. It's just pure gold. Plus David Sedaris sometimes contributes!

Also, I STILL haven't used my free movie pass. The one that I had back when I decided I was going to use it on 500 Days of Summer. And then I was going to see Inglourious Basterds. And then Extract. Bah!

Lastly, if you know me at all, you know that I watch like... a billion interviews per day. Well I PARTICULARLY enjoyed Matt Damon on Letterman the other day. The entire interview was gold, but as I couldn't find the entire thing as an isolated clip, I would at least recommend watching the best part. If you want to watch the whole thing, you can find it on cbs.com. Just find the interview and then move the marker right on top of the commercial line that looks closest to the middle (I don't know why I'm explaining when I know that no one will do it).

Part 2: Work

I LOVE working at SED! I've caught up on my Real Time with Bill Maher and I'm going through my This American Life. Hillel is fine and easy too. Today I decided to not shower right away so that I could shower AFTER I have to wear the visor. What I'd like most from these places, though, is to get paid. I'm getting to be QUITE poor again (thank god for my god money).

Part 3: Anecdote

Today when I got to work, Sandy, the woman who sets up the station and who I now know is from Hong Kong (she also has an accent) was there. I'm OBSESSED with her! Well today when she was leaving to go upstairs, she stopped to tell me what the muffin flavors were today:

Sandy: We have banana nut and cheepo

Blythe: Cheepo?

Sandy: Yes cheepo. They have cranberries, blueberries, and one other kind.

Blythe: Okay thanks.

About 15 minutes later, Ben, a regular customer (and friend of Rachael's) comes over.

Ben: Can I have a muffin?

Blythe: Sure. We have banana nut and what Sandy told me was a "cheepo" muffin. It has cranberries, blueberries, and one other kind of berry.

:::pause:::

Ben: I think she meant "triple."

How embarrassing!! I'm so glad he pointed that out to me before I spent the whole day calling them "cheepo" muffins (/I'm definitely always going to call berry muffins "cheepo" in my head.)

Part 4: Let's Wrap it Up

This girl that I thought was the funniest girl in my old TV writing class transferred into my new one. I tried to downplay my excitement but she wrote a GREAT episode of Seinfeld last year and I am PUMPED to see what she comes up with this year!! She's also reeeaaally nice. So... awesome (/I'm a creep).

We post our final list of girls for Chords tomorrow at 8am. I hope they choose us!!!!