The Hole

Ok I'm definitely in a hole. 

First things first, I need a job asap. I don't know what I was thinking about with this idea of a free summer! My grandpa called me two days ago and I couldn't even muster the ability to call him back until today because I was so embarrassed by my position. The last time I talked to him was over a month ago (longer gap than usual) and I was in far better circumstances. Today I finally did call him but I talked to him in that unnatural way where you know you have to explain something and you want it to sound like it's under control but it's clearly not. It was wretched... and while he wasn't upset, I could tell he was disappointed. 

So I thought to myself, the only way that I can make the internship thing right is by going to LA for the spring semester... which I wanted to avoid because then I'd have to say goodbye to everyone before the year is over, including Chords, which would/will be heartbreaking. 

But regardless, if I go to LA, I NEED to know how to drive, no exceptions. And if I go back home to learn, it will cost me money going back and forth. Plus I HATE being at home. 

So I looked up driving schools here. If I take an actual class it will cost me $595... which I can't afford unless someone pays for me. And they probably won't. If I did a thing where I did 10 hours of lessons, it would cost me $360... which I also can't actually afford... but could probably find. Plus I think it's $100 to take the actual test. 

Say I actually do the 10 hour thing and take and pass the drivers test, which already seems like a stretch since I have absolutely no way to practice outside of these lessons, then I have to go through first semester with no more practice. Then I have to practice as much as I can over winter break. PLUS buy and car AND insurance. And then drive to LA and spend the rest of my life as a driving citizen. WTF! How will that work??

PLLLLUUUUUSSS all of these things cost a shit-ton of money. So I would have to get a job that pays well this summer... which means that I'll probably have to work full time. Which means that at the very least I should have just done OCS because that pays well (better this year since it would be my next year) and is pretty fun. BUUUT what I'll PROBABLY have to do is work at the grocery store, which will 1000% pay way worse, I'll have to spend my life there to make any sort of money, nullifying the reason why I even chose this path for the summer which was to have some time for myself, AAAAND I will get zero experience because I've already worked in a grocery store for 3 years. 

While I can clearly see how all of these things are 1000% my fault and no one else's, I don't know how, after maintaining a good GPA and regularly having jobs etc... I just went crazy and decided to be unprepared for the summer... and seemingly I've fucked everything up. 

Maybe it just looks really bad because I just discussed it with my mom who was part helpful and part telling me I-told-you-so which was both nasty and also, in my recollection, false. Not that it's her fault... but I am pissed and I am undeservingly directing a lot of that anger towards her. 

And I'll tell you the exact money situation. 

I have $500 in the bank right now. I JUST put in $431 in checks yesterday. But I also wrote a check for $600 for my rent for the end of May and June. Plus at some point I have to pay utilities. I have MAYBE $70 in checks waiting for me at SED. My birthday is in a week and I'll probably get money from a few people, maybe up to $300. My mom told me she'd give me some money for an overdraft that I did... I have no idea how much. I have $800 more to pay for the summer, plus I have to eat, plus I have to pay utilities for the other months. 

THAT is the situation. 

I think admitting to myself that I have a bit of a situation is important... and a little relieving... maybe. Also, if anything, I should think about what I wanted to do for a month over the year which was to live a little more on the edge. I was craving shitty jobs and problems to solve, obstacles to overcome. I know Bob Dylan would think I was pretty lame to see my situation as anything but life. And someone more optimistic than Bob Dylan would see it as an opportunity to see what I can do. 

Ok. It's ok.