So, on the PRODUCTIVE front (and... I must admit that it's a very loose definition of "productive" at that), yesterday I decided to look on craigslist for a job.
Aside from the problem of getting up at a reasonable hour (so that I can actually have time to interact with people who aren't getting inebriated... not that that's the worst thing.. but still...), I also have the problem of where to apply... mostly because I keep thinking I should just apply to Star Market or the Regal again, which I REALLY don't want to do. I honestly don't know if I'll miss an opportunity by grabbing the first thing I can get (that will inevitably be... less than fun) or if I'm being a fool by waiting.
I always notice that people I know always feel so qualified to do things. Not in an arrogant way.. but it makes me feel like they got something from their life so far that makes them qualified for things.
Last night I was watching David Letterman online and he was doing these science experiments with children. In my entire life, I can't remember being interested in any science but astronomy. I have friends who went through the same chemistry class that I did and found it so interesting and mind blowing! Now, I don't think I've ever really come out and told anyone that science isn't interesting because I'm sure that it is. But all I remember is doing experiments where I either knew what was going to happen right away or I didn't know what was going to happen but it didn't seem to thrilling anyway... I wasn't solving anything for anyone, you know? I've always just assumed that these people had some background in science that made everything more interesting for them. And I've always assumed that if I saw that interesting thing or read that interesting book or really understood a great concept, I would be hooked too... but as it is, nothing has grabbed my attention.
THAT'S how I feel about people being qualified for things. They got something that I didn't and it's not something to lament over... it's just the way it is. However, sometimes I allow myself to think that maybe they just have some confidence that I don't. Maybe my friends who love science didn't have any other significant experience... maybe they just wanted to love science and so they did. And then they got this confidence because they chose it to be what they are uniquely (eh) interested in. It's THEIR subject. I don't believe I have MY subject.
In addition, I can't honestly say that I think that there is anything that I can do that anyone else can't. I don't think it gives me low self-esteem because... I don't think that I have low self-esteem. But sometimes it gives me a sense of... being undeserving. And while on the one side, I very often feel lucky with everything that I get and every opportunity allowed to me, I also get these bouts of feeling like I'm not pursuing things enough... that I'm supremely unmotivated... I don't have the confidence to have very big dreams. Although I'm usually (I think) very grateful for what I do have... and of course, I hope, quite dedicated to my responsibilities.
So here I am, wondering if I'm being too selfish about what I want. What if I'm waiting for something that isn't going to come my way... and that maybe I just don't have the balls or the personality type or the motivation to go and earn it. I just feel like recently my brain has been repeating the mantra of ONE LIFE. There isn't any way to not make this sound stupid... so I won't even really try... but ONE LIFE!! I have this ONE CHANCE to do what I want. If I want to know how to play the guitar, I need to make it happen NOW because I'm not going to get another chance. If I really want to be a writer, I have to take all of my opportunities now! I should go and ride some horses. See the redwoods again. I SHOULD go abroad. And right now I feel like I SHOULD try to take advantage of Boston.
When I was applying to colleges, I'm ashamed to say that I was significantly helped by Sarah Coletta, who basically guided me through the entire process so that ... while I actually filled everything out and wrote the essays ... and obviously had previously done all of the things that I was able to put on my applications, the DOING IT wasn't really shouldered by me.
I just want to be the kind of person that DOESN'T have to succumb to what I already have been. If I want to give up soda, damnit I HAVE to do it. I HAVE to because I can't be confined by my own fences. I shouldn't even say things like "I'm bad at directions" or "I am supremely unmotivated" because those things should only define what has happened in the past... and things that I can commit to changing if I want to.
After all of that... here is what the real situation is. I'm sitting on my bed at 1:08pm after not sleeping the whole night and spending the morning in the park... doing nothing... because I'm unemployed. And then I come back because I'm exhausted, even though that is ridiculous and absurd and I feel like I should have more control over myself than this. Yet here I am, blogging my feelings, which are really only elaborate excuses... explaining why I'm still unemployed and ashamed instead of doing something about it... which makes me even more furious with myself.
And really, who is to say that being a video camera operator assistant will be any more fun or beneficial than working at another grocery store. Maybe I could meet some new friends at the grocery store, note some interesting personalities. Who knows?
I'm probably just putting off getting a job because I like not having responsibility... but the guilt is weighing a little too hard to let me enjoy my sloth.
ANYWAY ANYWAY
I wrote a resume yesterday and sent it to ONE PERSON. And I felt good about myself, until I realized it was a bad sign that I let myself off the hook for something so useless.
Plus I drank a soda today AND yesterday. Yesterday's was the most honest-to-god accident ever... I didn't even THINK about. Then today it was in an effort to make me live through my morning excursion. I'm confident that it won't become a problem.
I got birthday cards from my grandparents (the bitchy ones) and my dad. They all gave me money to live their fully supported life of leisure... well my dad said it was for me to get super drunk. It made me feel guilty also.
The last time I slept, I had a dream that my dad and I were on a super futuristic airplane type thing and it was about to crash. I got in the front and ended up in the emergency exit compartment which, in my dream, was a little pod that just shot straight down into the ground where you crash horribly. But in my dream this was actually the safe way to land in an emergency. I actually crashed on a bridge in the futuristic city. And obviously I survived but I felt terrible because my dad wasn't in the safe emergency part with me. For some reason I'm pretty sure I thought he wasn't dead... I just felt bad that he wasn't with me. Then, in my dream, there was some sort of after-crash ball. Like everyone in the crash was in a hotel and we were dressed up and everything. I see my dad and somehow I know that he ended up parachuting off the futuristic plane, which in my dream was the worst way to exit the plane (although in non-dream life there is no question that it would be safer to parachute from a plane than to be forcefully projected towards the ground and crash). So I went up to my dad, who was sitting at a table with a lot of people. I sit next to him and I tell him how sorry I am that I left the plane without him, and as I tell him, I smile as though it's some misunderstanding. Then he says "yeah, ok" and turns to talk to the other people, clearly upset with me. I was heartbroken (my dad, in life, has never been upset with me). I think I woke up then.
You know, maybe I'm being too hard on myself... but I'm pretty sure that I might be being too easy on myself, as I so often am.
These are the things I want to do (not all of these are angst-y... some are just regular items to be done):
1. Obviously get a job. Then I can stop making these huge sweeping angst-ridden blogs where I treat myself like I'm suffering so much... when I'm really suffering the least you possibly can (I'm trying to get some credit by acknowledging my own ridiculousness... but I don't expect anything because.. I'm doing it regardless of my knowledge).
2. Get a birthday card for Mr. Besser
3. Get groceries.
4. Get checks from SED and deposit birthday money.
5. GO TO SLEEP BEFORE 3am. Honestly I'm going to be PISSED at myself if I don't.
6. Start junior year scrapbook.
7. Start a painting.
8. Start living my summer plan already!
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