So Little Time (sans Olsens)

I think this week especially is going to be an inner peace test. 

Here's what I have to do: 

1. 5-7 page paper due Wednesday

2. project for tv and childhood (HOPEFULLY not more than a few hours of work though... hopefully not a problem)

3. Some rough stuff for my final project for tv and childhood for Wednesday. 

4. I have to do an outline for this feature for screenwriting for Wednesday (God, Tuesday's gonna SUCK)

5. Probably for like... tomorrow I should do a scene outline and first 3 pages of another script for a class that I missed on Friday so that my TA can read it before next Friday. 

6. I NEED to send a revised script to the other people in my group for video production. In addition, I need to make a line script and some sort of set diagram and figure out what we need to shoot THIS COMING SATURDAY!!!!! and I don't even have any actors still... like... we MIGHT have one! O God! 

7. Plus I have some weird presentation for Thursday where I have to show some work and then talk about it... it has to take 20 minutes so I have to think of a movie or something to show. 

AAAAAND super importantly (and I can't even believe I'm admitting it), I have still done NOTHING in regards to this summer. NOTHING. I have not made a practice resume... I have not picked places to apply. I don't know where I'm going to live. I haven't looked for another job. THAT (meaning the entire summer extravaganza) is probably the dumbest thing of all. 

PLUS my roommate and I got in a tiff... and when I say "tiff" I mean a very anxiety-ridden, yelling (I know, right?) argument...  the casualties are a loss of the bunny (not to death... but she's being taken by someone else), and for me, a lot of anxiety about going to the bathroom. And general discomfort. 

PLUS I have to at least have PART of my Britney arrangement done by Sunday, which is actually a surprise. 

I obviously know that I'm going to survive. It just doesn't seem like there are enough hours in the day. PLUS, I can't even believe I'm admitting this either, but I just spent an hour and 17 minutes of my time watching a documentary about various people who add their creativity to Harry Potter... which was awesome, and recommended by Elena. I wrote down one quote that I from it because I thought it was so awesome. It was from one of the kids in Harry and the Potters (a CD that I did, in fact, own but is not on my iPod so... I don't know where it is). 

"My other band wrote a song from the perspective of a band playing in the pope's bedchambers. You know writing a song like 'don't give up hope, you're the pope... Like when you're down sometimes things get in your way like science, but you gotta lift up your staff even if it's heavy, and you know put on your hat, even if it's too big. You gotta be the pope.' You know... we wanted to inspire him."

Bob Dylan, Specifically.

Ok... not to be going back and forth on the matter... but I was reading my Bob Dylan interviews and here are some things I came across today: 

"I hung around college, but it's a cop-out from life, from experience....they're all just in it for the money and for resentment. They put in their time and they're going to get it back."

"Don't you understand? If you're smart, you just gotta keep going, you're just not going to stand still. Everyone else is going to die. I don't mean die. I mean, they are going to decay and go crazy. If I could help them, I would love to see them straightened out. But I know in my heart that it is impossible to straighten all these people out, because they are all so nine-to-five, and so involved with that life that it is impossible. I don't want nothing to do with it."

And here are some other things I've underlined on other days:

"...all the lies that people get told on their radios and in their newspapers. All you have to do is think for a minute. They're trying to take people's brains away. Which maybe has been done already. I hate to think it's been done. All the lies I consider poison."

"It's like, when somebody wants to tell me what the 'moral' thing is to do, I want them to show me. If they have anything to say about morals, I want to know what it is they do. Same with me. All I can do is show the people who ask me questions how I live. All I can do is be me. I can't tell them how to change things, because there's only one way to change things, and that's to cut yourself off from all the chains. That's hard for most people to do."

"He didn't have to use adjectives. He didn't really have to define what he was saying. He just said it. I can't do that yet, but that's what I want to be able to do."

"People talk about trying to change society. All I know is that so long as people stay so concerned about protecting their status and protecting what they have, ain't nothing going to be done."

"... They throw Shakespeare at some kid who can't read Shakespeare in high school, right? Who digs reading Hamlet, man? All they give you is Ivanhoe, Silas Marner, Tale of Two Cities-- and they keep you away from things you should do. You shouldn't even be there in school. You should find out from people. Dig! That's where it all starts. In the beginning-- like from 13 to 19-- that's where all the corruption is."

"Who cares about tomorrow and yesterday? People don't live there, they live now."

"Hey, when I left there, man, I knew one thing: I had to get out of there and not come back. Just from my sense I knew there was something more than Walt Disney movies. I was never turned on or off by money. I never considered the fact of money as really that important. I could always play the guitar, you dig, and make friends-- or fake friends. A lot of people do other things and get to eat and sleep that way. Lot of people do a lot of things just to get around. You can find cats who get very scared, right? Who get married and settle down. But, after somebody's got something and sees it all around him, so he doesn't have to sleep out in the cold at night, that's all. The only thing is he don't die. But is he happy? There's nowhere to go."

"I'm not about to go around changing anything. I don't like anybody to tell me what I have to do or believe, how I have to live. I just don't care."

"It's just absurd for people to sit around being offended by their own meaninglessness, so that they have to force everything else to come into the hole with them, and die trying."

Two notes: 

1. That's obviously not ALL  he talks about... I picked those carefully out of 100 pages of interviews. AAAAND he's not THAT aggressive monumentally... but since they ARE interviews, that's the nature of the beast. There is obviously going to be frustration. 

2. I think this is one of the first times that I've been more concrete about why he speaks to me. Although, like I said, this isn't all he is. 

ALSO, I wrote this out (/am currently writing this) at work. So, my boss called me into to do something and her and this other School of Education professor and she were talking about this her friend's son. Apparently, he went to Florida for spring break/ his 25 birthday (I'm not sure why he was doing spring break at 25... maybe he's a teacher too). I guess when he went down to the beach to get his sunglasses, he was shot and died. Obviously extremely unfortunate. So my boss, in sympathy, says "all you can think of is WHY did he have to go back and get those sunglasses?!" And the professor says "WHY did she even let him go?! I won't let my kid go for anywhere for spring break. 'You're not going anywhere. You're coming home.' Why didn't she make him stay and get a job?" And my boss says "true."

WHAT THE FUCK!!!??

If my mom did that, I would slap her right across the face. My mom would NOT do that. 

Also, as a side note, I have been having SUPER scary dreams all week! Like the screaming kind. Last night, in my dream, I was at/having (not sure) a party in a swimming pool, and everyone was drunk and high and then while I was laughing in the pool with my all clothes on and everything, I turn over and a girl, who I know in life but won't name, was half-floating on a pool toy next to me, dead. Blue. Eyes open. 

Rough.

ONE LAST THING: The cover on the new Bob Dylan album is NOT two men making out. It's from Bruce Davidson's Brooklyn collection (and a tribute to Larry Brown because he used the same image as the cover of his book Big Bad Love (and I guess Bob Dylan loves him/ said he read everything the man's ever written)). Anyway, the person is the same girl from the rest of the photos. And I agree with Claire that it does NOT seem like the most comfortable way to make out in a car. 

ALTHOUGH here is ANOTHER thing Bob Dylan said in 1966: 

"Love and sex are things that really hang everybody up. When things aren't going right and you're really nobody, if you don't get laid in one way or another, you get mean, you know. You get cruel. Now, why in the world sex should force this is beyond me. I truthfully can tell you that male and female are not here to have sex, you know, that's not the purpose. I don't believe that that's God's will, that females have been created to that they can be a counterpart of man's urge.... Sex and love have nothing to do with female and male, and it might not be male and female. It might be female and female or it might be male and male. You can try to pretend that it doesn't happen, and you can make fun of it and be snide, but that's not really the rightful thing. I know, I know."

Some Relief

After I wrote the entry about being upset with my "entrapment," two things happened: 

1. I felt like a fool being melodramatic. I almost erased it twice. 

2. I went to a Chinese anthro lecture where I was reminded about what REAL entrapment is. During the tumultuous years ... somewhere between 1949 and 1967, those people were REALLY trapped. My professor told me a story about these Chinese peasants who tried to escape their village because they were STARVING. AAAAND in China you couldn't just get a train ticket because you need official government permission to leave where you are. SOOO these people got caught trying to leave. Their hands were put behind their back in the handcuff position... and then they were HUNG that way all day. Then they tried to escape again. They were hung that way AGAIN! Then they tried to escape AGAIN, this time with a baby! They succeeded. But, unfortunately, even when you get into the city you were shit out of luck. Even when there weren't food shortages, people were given food coupons for their food... that way the government could subsidize food and everyone gets what they need for very little (and if you really want more and can afford it, then you can buy more at a much higher price). SOOOO you only get food coupons from your place of work. AAAAAND your work also controls your housing.... and you can't get work unless you BELONG where you are. SOOOO all the peasants ended up being this illegal, begging population. 

AND ACTUALLY in this story, one of the local officials couldn't have babies so he basically bought these peasant's baby from them in exchange for papers so they could get a job. The baby was in the hospital for malnutrition for 4 months!!! AND THEN when the kid was 10, the reform happened in China and all the cadres (officials) were then made to work. So the wife of the cadre got into an accident in the factory because she'd never done anything other than... sit around. So her accident was so bad that she was bedridden for 6 months and then she died. And then the husband killed himself right afterwards. So the boy was 10 and all of these red guards (intense student communist activists (they're all communists though)) came and took over the house... so then the kid ended up being a red guard. This is a STUDENT that my professor had. I forget how he actually got to America... but it was some crazy fucking miracle!

Anyway... THAT's an example of being trapped. 

Does that nullify my feelings? No. But I think I have to redefine it to remember how lucky I am. Which, I'm pretty ashamed that I forgot... but I feel like I usually am pretty good about perspective. The real issue is that I semi know what I want... what I want to make sure I do... and I felt SCARED. And I was blaming society for that. Which is ESPECIALLY unfortunate because... we have a damn good society... especially with King Obama... but even without him it was and is pretty amazing. 

In other news... Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are so important in my life... AND they are on spring break this week!! Yesterday Sonya and I simultaneously screamed from our respective rooms when we saw it was a rerun. 

ALSO, a few weeks ago, my boss told me that I could come into work whenever I want when I asked her to move back a shift for a lecture. Now... that obviously makes sense because... she's not even there when I come in. I just go into a room and chill entirely by myself for my entire shift. SOOO NOW instead of waking up at 8:30am on Mondays and Tuesdays, I can wake up... whenever I want. It's PRETTY nice... but now I'm just awake even LESS during the day! It's making me pretty lazy. 

ALSO I STILL HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR SCHOOL. 

BUUUUT I have done a good job with the guitar...

Ok... my goal was to have everything done by April 1st. So here is what I need to do.. probs even before that!

1. I need to meet with my TV and childhood group, watch 4 more kids' shows for my analysis and wrap up that project. 

2. I need to figure out what to do about this movie. I'm a little upset because I feel like a LOOOOT of the weight is on my shoulders and ... I feel a LITTLE uncomfortable delegating because I'm not sure if my group is going to think their part is more difficult. What we need to do is actually NAIL the actors and the times... and I need to storyboard, write a line script, write the actual script (which is already done) and make a set diagram. Now, I would like to make THEM to the actor stuff... but I don't know if they'll be upset... but I feel like I'm already responsible for all of the written stuff AND the actual set which is going to be "built" in my basement. BUUUUUT I NEEEEEED to make this happen ASAP!!! And even though it is totally my fault because I haven't been doing that much so far... they've done NOTHING... like... I just wrote the script... but ... they have literally done zero for our project. I'm not angry yet... only concerned. But I can feel the anger getting ready. 

3. I have a paper for Chinese anthro due next Wednesday. That's hopefully going to be the weekend. It's only 7 pages. 

4. RESUME! THIS WEEKEND, BLYTHE!

I might be screwed.

My Future is Clear

Well Bazaar Magazine's horoscope for me this month said:

"Adventures and long distance interests are a must on the menu, and you will be eager to expand your knowledge of the world. Privately, there are intense moments when truths about a significant other emerge, helping you heal or move on. An inspiring life event may prompt you to courageously and willingly commit to a new cause."

All problems solved. What a lucky month!

Album Cover Mystery

 Bob Dylan's new album is coming out in April. This is the cover. What is this picture of? To me it looks like two guys making out... which doesn't SEEM too Bob Dylan-y... and also, I feel I'm predisposed to see man-lovin' in an image... so I need some other interpretations. 

In other news, I got me a guitar and I found me a great site to learn how to play. BUUUT I need a pick! It's such a small thing to prevent me from playing right now. I can put my hands in the right places right now, though. BUUUT I can't tell if it's right because I keep missing strings when I strum with no pick. Whatever though... I'm on a role. 

I rented this movie that Bob Dylan stars in and co-wrote called Masked and Anonymous. John Goodman, Val Kilmer, Luke Wilson, Penelope Cruz, and Jessica Lange are all in it. Gotta say though... it's not very good at all. It's hard to watch though because it's kind of like... a weird preachy plot and then there are all of these monologues spouting semi-cryptic, broad wisdom about animals and people's lack of freedom and morality... which is OFTEN stuff that is in his songs... but it just sounds pretentious and silly in a film. I want to say that those thoughts and words are not for the medium of film... but on the other hand, who am I to dictate what should and should not be in a film or a song? BUUUT I know that I'm questioning my ideas because Bob Dylan is in it.. and I want to understand and appreciate everything he does because... I'm quite invested in him. Whatever... it's not that big of a deal though. 

Also, I never mentioned this, but I'm also OBSESSED with Pete Seeger. Not in the same way as Bob Dylan because Pete Seeger is just a saint-humanitarian that's INFINITELY admirable but equally unrelatable. I rented this documentary on him called The Power of Song... and it was very powerful. That was the day I decided to learn how to play guitar. 

On the school front... I didn't really do anything this week. I don't even care. I probably will in the next few days. 

...

I keep going through bursts of distress. I don't know how to not be melodramatic about it... and I'm simultaneously embarrassed and weirdly pleased. What I'm worried about is being trapped. I'm worried that I follow too many rules and that I'm just being corralled into a system and I'm going to feel like I never lived. Which I KNOOOW is melodramatic. But it's also, to all my knowledge and feelings, true. And what I'm even MORE worried about is that the feeling is going to go away. That I'm going to lose interest in these feelings. 

So for a while I've been trying to decide what I want to do... and it's almost funny how difficult it is to think about. I would think "okay... I want to go to New Orleans, learn how to play the guitar, get a shitty apartment maybe... get a job chopping wood or waitressing or... some job I can't even imagine and see where that takes me... but I'll have to graduate first... I don't want to be stuck without a degree..." which is TRUE but also EXACTLY what I'm talking about... not being able to escape... because I'm scared. I mentioned the issue to my grandpa, and after appreciating what I had to say, and he told me to join the peace corps or something after I graduate. And I was like great, perfect. And then I realized that that's just ANOTHER organization (if I do join... I'm going to feel shitty about this entry (LOOK AT HOW I JUST DID IT AGAIN-- wanting to escape but planning for when I come back)).

What I mean to say, is that no one I've ever met has regretted their decision to run away from home or do a shit-ton of drugs or quit school or spend all their money and move to Europe. People don't regret that because it's life and they lived it. Some people die that way... but who cares? People have BIG regrets when they spend 20 years in school and end up in the "job of their dreams" and ... then what? People regret never breaking away.

  

Also, I'm 20 years old and I literally have nothing to show for myself... not to show other people... but I can't even think of anything that I think is great just for me. Nothing but talk. And even the learning that I do never means anything to me. I forget everything that I can't relate to something bigger, anything that I can't use in my thoughts later. 

I'm sad because I'm pretty sure that I'm not actually going to gain anything from my last year of college. I'm antsy. I want to stop. I had this experience and now I have to ride it out with $25,000 more debt and another whole year or else it was just a waste... which is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. I'm sad because this is the age... the age when you're idealistic and you can do something about it. That's why the best revolutions happen when 20 year olds take action. That's how we got out of Vietnam. That's how China became communists. 

If Natalya was going to leave school now, travel around and see what she could do, I bet I might go with her. I didn't get it as much a year ago. What hurts me more though, is that I don't seem to be able to do it on my own. 

But hopefully, today I'm going to buy a guitar. It's a cop out... a symbol of how I REALLY want to be able to be brave and free... but at least I can do SOMETHING that I want to do. I don't have to be afraid of that. 

Note: Sometimes when I read my blogs (or other people's) I can read the passion in them. This one is a hallow echo. I don't know if anyone else can read that but I HAVE to make the clarification because I feel strange and stupid writing so dramatically about something that IS so much in my control... and yet feels so out of my control. BUT this is important to me... and I know that I didn't express it well. I just need that to be noted... I'm not joking. I AM worried. And I know, also, that saying it doesn't mean anything at all. It's on the same level as thinking it and it's only one step above NOT thinking it.  I'm going to have to do something about it. That will be the leap. And I hope I start taking these steps soon. I hope I don't forget. 

Weird Celeb Dream

Last night I had a dream where I went to mass with my family. My brother wasn't sitting with the rest of them, he sat in a different pew across the aisle so I went to sit with him. He sat on the opposite end of the pew and I didn't want to cross over people to get to him, so I went around and on the way something weird happened with my pants so I took them off. When I got to the other side of the pew, these twin girls who were dressed like they got their first communion were sitting in the seat, talking to my brother. So I decided to just sit in the empty back pew alone, not wearing any pants, but I was wearing a long button down shirt. Then I look over at my family and they're sitting with Paul Rudd and B. J. Novak. They all wave at me, and my mom turns to Novak and explains why I'm not wearing pants. 

Then Paul Rudd and I go to chat with David Letterman and Rudd and I are talking about Jay Leno with Letterman and I felt like a total kiss-ass telling Letterman that I only watch his show. Then to prove it, I was going to tell him what guests he had last night, but I couldn't remember so instead I told him how I love when he has the wild animal guy on and then I did an impression of the way Jungle Jack Hanna talks to Dave. 

Then David Letterman stops laughing for a minute and goes "Do you ever feel like you're in the calm of a storm?" I turn to Paul Rudd and then I wake up. 

Gotta say, that was a better celebrity dream than when I dreamt that Candace Cameron was my writing teacher or the time I dreamt I talked to Molly Ringwald on a plane about The Secret Life of an American Teenager. Both of those were absolute wastes of having celebrities in your dreams. I guess this one actually wasn't THAT much better. Marginally.