I'm COLD, Y'all

You know what else is weird? I am cold all the live-long day!! Today I was packing on layers until I ran out and I was STILL freezing. Halfway through my commute, I remembered that cars have a heating ability. That was nice, although I had to balance the temperature because I kept thinking I would get too cozy and fall asleep. I know this is a brain thing. I expect to be warm because I'm in LA and then my brain is terribly shocked when I'm cold, whereas in Boston I expected to be cold and my brain braced itself and was stubbornly determined to feel warm.

On a side, irrelevant to anything, note, I was reading about Darren Aronofsky and the author said about Requiem for a Dream, "It's one of the few films I've ever seen that I heartily recommend for any serious film fan, but which I will never watch again." It's funny to me that everyone seems to feel this way about that movie. Someone asked me what other movies are single watch movies and I couldn't name one. Just that one. It's great. Once.

Tidbits

I think life is stranger for me now than it has ever been. I just don't recall feeling so weird in any other moment of my life.

-It's weird that I have older friends.

-It's weird that I feel like I'm living this crazy, unstable life-- ANY disturbance is going to throw me over the edge. If I get into an accident. If my car breaks. If I have to pay anymore money for anything at all. If I get any sort of illness that requires ANY assistance beyond tylenol... I'm fucked. Like... for real.

-It's weird that time is going by at lightning speed. I think to myself, "when was the last time I hung out with Corina?" the person I see the most, and I can't remember if it was a week ago or nearly a month ago. And my plans are in the form of years. In two years I want to start REALLY thinking about my career and not worrying SO much about money. When is Kevin moving here? Years. When is the NEXT time I'm going to see Natalya-- YEARS!

ANYWAY

Having Natalya visit was an absolute gift. We had a fairly successful dumpster-diving experience-- we ate all the food except some questionable bananas and we made garlands out of some flowers. The latter garnered a bevy of compliments. We went on a wee hike and we watched (500) Days of Summer, Away We Go, High Fidelity, When Harry Met Sally, Amelie and 9 episodes of Freaks and Geeks (I was surprised and pleased by the level of addiction Natalya reached with Freaks and Geeks... and all the movies, really). For a more complete recount, check out Natalya's blog. She has pictures!

In other news, I FINALLY started my senior year scrapbook-- I'm just including everything up until now. Honestly, mostly I just want to get it done, so it may turn out to be my worst scrapbook yet... hard to say.

Natalya

I enjoy guests, but Natalya is the BEST guest. This might come off cheap because she'll probably read this, but you should trust my sincerity because I wouldn't just make shit up. I'd omit.

Natalya is the best guest because I have placed numerous restrictions upon myself based on where I live. Well... I've been given numerous restrictions and have self-imposed even more out of fear of restrictions. It's all irrelevant because the point is that Natalya is the most adaptable person I know. "Ummm, we can't go home between 9pm and 11pm. Do you want to... sit in this parking lot and chat for a couple of hours?" "Ummm, we can't use the stove or really any part of the kitchen. Do you want to eat these perogies cold?" "Ummm, we can't flush the toilet between the hours of 11pm and 7am." Exact response "I'll poop on your poop." Most adaptable guest ever.

Yesterday was lovely, but one moment in particular was pretty magical. We spent the day on the Venice Beach boardwalk and then we sat on the beach for a bit. Around sunset we spotted an enormous crowd of people. They were fairly close but we could hear nothing because the wind was so fierce. When we got closer we realized it was an enormous group of people dancing around 10ish drummers in a circle--some dancing well and others strangely, although the people who dance strangely are much more moving because they are clearly so uninhibited. My personal favorite was a short Russian/Jewish old man in a black suit with a black baseball cap dancing amidst the chaos. Part way through, Natalya suggested we go a bit away from the group and dance on our own (we had to put our bags down). It was heaven. And the fierce wind and the sun setting made it so surreal. We took one great picture at the end. Then the police broke it up.

3rd Rock Dreams

400th blog!

My gmail got hacked, which is especially lame because I have some people in my address book that I REALLY don't want to be burdening with spam... but oh well. Several kind people called, texted and emailed me about my problem, but only ONE person gave me a suggestion about how to fix it. I changed my password. Then the next day, I realized that I may have not changed my password, but merely re-recorded my former password. Thus I made, for the second time (ish) an ENTIRELY new password. I know I can't go around being resentful about every little thing, but I really don't like new passwords. Hopefully it works.

I am officially housesitting for December 29 to January 6! Maybe longer! The woman for whom I've housesitting even offered to give me the money in advance so I can go home for Christmas. It was incredibly kind, but I assume that I'm not doing it. I really need that money, but more importantly, I don't think I'd ever actually ask for it ahead of time. I just... can't do that. Impossible to say how sad I will be about not being with my family on Christmas for the first time. I'll probably get chinese food and go to a movie-- a practice I've learned from my many Jewish companions. But at least I can miss them with full intensity, instead of going through my yearly internal struggle about how much I hate/love the holidays.

NATALYA WILL BE HERE SATURDAY OR SUNDAY! I bought a swiffer for the occasion.

Finished 3rd Rock from the Sun. I'm SO distraught. I speed ahead so fast with new shows, and I forget how depressed I get when they end.

DREAM:

During the first part of my dream, I was on the basketball court by my PA house with a bunch of girls, including two of my cousins and my sister. We were sunbathing and I recall that we all needed 6 towels and I spent a deal of time trying to decide how to put each towel to use. It just seemed so excessive.

I went over to my brother, who was younger and with my stepdad and my uncle Joe. My brother started to throw rocks at me--although not hard enough to hurt--at, I assume, my uncle's request. I shot him a shocked and disgusted look and finally my stepdad told Matt to stop.

I was hanging out with some guy (he morphed many times throughout, but one of his incarnations was Todd Kubrak from The Four Faced Liar) who I knew was cheating on his girlfriend. Then he left and his girlfriend (I think it was the girl who played "Precious" in a later episode of Friends) came over and found the other woman's shoes on the mat. She got reallly pissed and then Todd came back. While her back was turned, I tried to give him a thumbs down to warn him about the coming wrath. Then me, Sally, Harry, and Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun took off.

Then the three of us were in a speed boat in the dead of night outside of New York City-- it was actually gorgeous in my dream. Tommy was driving really fast. They weren't the characters from the show-- just made up personalities, I guess. I said "can I just say, what a cliche to find the other woman's shoes on the mat!?" and we all laughed and talked about it. Then we look ahead and there are dark rocks. Sally yelled at Tommy to turn the boat, but we were going so fast that it was definitely too late. At that moment I thought "I hope this is a dream!" and woke up.

More Happy!

More and more and more miracles!!

1. Natalya is DEFINITELY coming for Thanksgiving!!!

2. I might get to housesit for Christmas break!!! Which means hanging out with AWESOME huskies!! With the pool. It's questionable whether you can swim in December... but I bet you can HOTTUB in December!! And I KNOW you can use CABLE in December! More importantly, this gives me the hope of allieviating the anxiety I was having about not working for two weeks and whether or not I would survive...Merry Christmas to me!! (potentially).

3. This is my 399th blog. On THIS blog, of course. Can you believe that I have nearly 700 pages of my former blog--single spaced, size 9! Crazy. My first blog entry ever was something like "I hope I actually write in this and don't lose interest in a couple of days." That was a hope-success.

Forms of escape that pique my interest today:

We Bought a Zoo. Directed by Cameron Crowe, this is a family movie about a man who buys a zoo... whatever. Matt Damon, ScarJo, Elle Fanning (girl is genius!) and :::drum roll::: PATRICK FUGIT. Down diggity down! It's still in the casting stage so... we're gonna have to wait a couple of years, but I'm READY!

Also, I'm going to read Songs My Mother Taught Me by Marlon Brando. Yesterday I got fairly involved reading quotes by him, and today Carey Elwes was on my radio program and said how much he loved Marlon and imitated him. All signs point there. I think I'm going to finish No One Here Gets Out Alive (why won't Morrison DIE already! The issue is that I still haven't gotten back to the point in which I stopped reading because I lost my copy. So now every couple of pages I'm like "awww crap, I read all of this." (I calculated that I've read at least (probably exactly) 6 books since the loss, and I can't be expected to remember every page)) Then I'm going to desert Eat, Pray, Love for now. Eeeeh... we'll see.

Added later: Also, Last Night with Keira Knightly and GUILLAUME CANET!!! Don't know what it's about, didn't see the trailer, but I am in LOVE with Guillaume Canet. LOVE. LOOOOOVEEEE!!

Positive Shift

I am feeling MUCH better now. It, I believe, is largely due to a hormonal shift, unfortunately. The following things also contributed:

1. I'm in love with my mechanic.

After the whole registration debacle, I put the rest of my vehicle anxieties on the back burner. I'd been pumping my brakes at every light for a while, an issue was accompanied by a screeching when I braked. Then someone else drove my car and told me that it terrified her and that I needed to get the brakes checked. Then I discussed my brakes with my mom, and... her concern was great and her prediction was a $1000 brake change. I do not have $1000. It feels as though I will never have $1000. And the prospect of taking the bus to work, when it already takes me an hour and fifteen minutes by direct route, seemed extremely ominous. Of course, dying in a fiery collision is also a bit ominous. I stopped letting friends in the car with me.

Then today, I finally got the car checked and...

IT WAS MY BRAKE CYLINDER!! And my mechanic only charged me $150 to replace that AND change my oil. I tried to tip him $20 but he absolutely refused. I can't even express the relief. My head LITERALLY replayed "I'm Walkin' on Sunshine" for the hour after I heard the news.

2. I got to hang with Julia AND Corina this weekend. That's just a blessing.

3. I got to talk to my grandpa. The time between calls was longer this time, but it was glorious because the last he heard, I was on my WAY to getting paid very little for only 2 days a week. So while I'm still making very little, I'm making a ... SURVIVABLE amount of money, with prospects. And I miraculously have a steady odd-job situation to help me out. It was a negative talk, but negative with hope (only on the job-front. The rest of our conversation was pure positive). And also, at least I'm clearly doing the best I can do.

4. I got paid more than I deserved for a babysitting job.

5. I got invited to 2 Thanksgiving dinners, which is divine and I'm so grateful. However, Natalya said that she might come down (!!!) and we can dumpster dive for Thanksgiving, which is my choice. I'm SO excited!!!!!

6. Even though I'm not the high-priestess of good karma, I believe these questionable things helped my case.

A. I hugged a homeless man.

The other day I was going into 7 Eleven and I had some dollar bills so I took one out to give to the homeless man outside. He smiled at me while I was walking in, so I gave the bill to him before I entered. He seemed shocked and pleased and even asked me if I was sure I wanted to give him money BEFORE entering my location. I assured him, went in, bought what I needed, and came out. He wished me a happy Halloween and then told me he could use a hug... aaaand because I have no self-control, I did it. I got into the car afterwards and he asked me to roll down the window. He wished me another happy Halloween and told me he could use another hug, at which point I said "k... goodbye" and drove away.

B. I picked up a hitchhiker. I actually thought this decision would be... no-so well received, but no one, including Kevin, Corina, my co-worker, and my grandpa really scolded me about it. Thus, I feel I can write about it in my blog.

I was sitting in a parking lot waiting for Corina to get home so we could hang out. My window was down and I was talking to Kevin when a kid my age-ish asked me if I was going his way. I said I wasn't, but he seemed really desperate and offered me $10, so despite Kevin's precognitive warning for me to not pick up hitchhikers, I did it anyway with Kevin on the line the whole time (Chiding in my ear about the kid leading me to my death, no less. And asking me to say "blue" if the kid was unattractive, to which I replied a subtle "purple.") The kid told me he was from Hawaii and he was here to be an actor. He said he was trying to catch the train because he had been sleeping in the park for a couple of days and a friend was offering him his or her couch. At the end of the trip he gave me $10. I refused but he insisted (/I took it after the second offering because... I like money right now). Afterwards, while I felt good for helping, I felt crappy for taking $10 from a kid who has been sleeping in the park. C'est la vie. My vehicle situation proves (if I sincerely believed in karma or magic) that my intentions were pure enough for good luck.

Mostly I'm just feeling far more grateful than I was for a bit. Hopefully it lasts, but I have high hopes.

On a side issue, my new obsession with 3rd Rock from the Sun has been contributing to my joy as well.

Also, on the list of movies to re-watch: What's Eating Gilbert Grape?

Needs Improvement

I need to go on a campaign for more appreciation of my life. I was VERY appreciative mere months ago and now I'm becoming whiny. I think I need to make small goals, because I while I'm certainly not miserable at work, I can't fool myself into thinking that perpetuating this existence for work alone is at all satisfactory.

Homeless people. Third world countries. People in the 1930s. Etc. etc.

I need to re-watch the following movies:

The Godfather

Almost Famous

Mysterious Skins

Annie Hall

I'm making a list of my top 100 movies, but I can't put them in because I don't remember them enough. I doubt The Godfather will make the cut, but I need to double check.

I think cellphones are ruining our lives and I'm resentful that no one has campaigned against them yet. I talked to Natalya at length about this, and I really believe it's a blog-worthy subject. Furthermore, I do not believe that I'm being archaic.

The other day, Elana shared some tragic news with me: her company is providing her with a blackberry and paying for the bills, provided that she answer her phone at all times. I find this abusive. Before cell phones, if I wasn't in the house, which was always likely, no one could reach me. But now, I'm being rude or irresponsible. The other day, I got a call from someone important relatively early in the morning. In the 90s, I could let the call go because I could reasonably be out of the house, but I had to answer it because in this world in which our phones are always with us, I had to answer or risk the embarrassment that I was still asleep. It's my prerogative (how is that the correct spelling??) if I work all week and I want to spend my free time sleeping. I don't need the judgement. I know this is a tiny grievance and that it represents laziness, but I don't care. I don't think that people should be able to reach me whenever they want if I haven't committed to a time or I'm not on the clock. I think that in this work-centric world, in which you are cutthroat to get to the top, not giving someone the freedom to NOT be on call 24/7 is going to kill people. I'm imagining therapy over this, interrupted by inane texts--irony that belongs in movies.

Global warming. Wars over water. Rampant cancer. Overpopulation. Etc. etc.

Halloween and Sanity

Halloween: Went to a Jewish candy store with Corina and Bub. I didn't buy anything. Corina and I wore our chords shirts, our respective American Apparel sweatshirts and our samesies shoes (I LOVE these shoes). So... while we weren't particularly be-costumed, we were twinsies. Afterwards, we reminisced vaguely about days of Halloween past-- how you weren't cool unless you brought your pillowcase, for example. I got home by before 10pm, talked to Kevin, and spent the rest of the evening trying watching 3rd Rock From the Sun (on it). I sincerely couldn't be more pleased. Although perhaps next year, when my mind is more free to focus instead of consumed with, I'm sorry to admit, pitying myself, I'll go on Santa Monica Blvd, which is hear is a blast. I'll still be young next year.

Movies I'm thinking about today:

Buried. Paul is a U.S. contractor working in Iraq. After an attack by a group of Iraqis he wakes to find he is buried alive inside a coffin. With only a lighter and a cell phone it's a race against time to escape this claustrophobic death trap.Ryan Reynolds stars.

Morning Glory. I don't care. It looks GREAT to me!

And finally...

RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY:

I'm sorry to say that I didn't watch the Rally to Restore Sanity. Not that it makes up for it, but I did read the live coverage.

Signs mentioned:

"We could do it wrong"

"The founding fathers were east coast liberals"

"Pay taxes. How else do roads get built?"

"Ask. Tell."

"If your idea can fit on a sign, you need a bigger idea."

"War is not free. Teabaggers, pay your taxes."

"Iraqi-American: I'm afraid to get on a plane with myself."

Jon's closing statement:

I can’t control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or at passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do.

But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

But unfortunately one of our main tools in delineating the two broke. The country’s 24-hour political pundit perpetual panic conflictinator did not cause our problems but it’s existence makes solving them that much harder. The press can hold it’s magnifying up to our problems bringing them into focus, illuminating issues heretofore unseen or they can use that magnifying glass to light ants on fire and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous flaming ant epidemic.

If we amplify everything we hear nothing.

There are terrorists and racists and Stalinist and theocrats but those are titles that must be earned. You must have the resume. Not being able to distinguish between real racists and Tea Partiers or real bigots and Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez is an insult, not only to those people but to the racists themselves who have put in the exhausting effort it takes to hate. Just as the inability to distinguish terrorists from Muslims makes us less safe not more.

The press is our immune system. If we overreact to everything we actually get sicker and perhaps eczema.

And yet with that being said I feel good—strangely, calmly good. Because the image of Americans that is reflected back to us by our political and media process is false. It is us through a fun house mirror and not the good kind that makes you look slim in the waist and maybe taller, but the kind where you have a giant forehead and an ass shaped like a month-old pumpkin and one eyeball.

So, why would we work together? Why would you reach across the aisle to a pumpkin assed forehead eyball monster?

If the picture of us were true of course our inability to solve problems would actually be quite sane and reasonable. Why would you work with Marxists actively subverting our Constitution or racists and homophobes who see no one’s humanity but their own? We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is—on the brink of catastrophe—torn by polarizing hate and how it’s a shame that we can’t work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day!

The only place we don’t is here or on cable TV. But Americans don’t live here or on cable TV. Where we live our values and principles form the foundation that sustains us while we get things done not the barriers that prevent us from getting things done. Most Americans don’t live their lives solely as Democrats, Republicans, Liberals or Conservatives. Americans live their lives more as people that are just a little bit late for something they have to do—often something that they do not want to do—butthey do it. Impossible things every day that are only made possible by the little reasonable compromises that we all make.

Look on the screen this is where we are this is who we are. These cars—that’s a schoolteacher who probably thinks his taxes are too high. He’s going to work. There’s another car-a woman with two small kids who can’t really think about anything else right now. There’s another car swinging I don’t even know if you can see it—the lady’s in the NRA. She loves Oprah. There’s another car—an investment banker, gay, also likes Oprah. Another car’s a Latino carpenter. Another car a fundamentalist vacuum salesman. Atheist obstetrician. Mormon Jay-Z fan.

But this is us. Every one of the cars that you see is filled with individuals of strong belief and principles they hold dear—often principles and beliefs in direct opposition to their fellow travelers.

And yet these millions of cars must somehow find a way to squeeze one by one into a mile long 30 foot wide tunnel carved underneath a might river. Carved, by the way, by people who I’m sure had their differences. And they do it. Concession by conscession. You go. Then I’ll go. You go then I’ll go. You go then I’ll go, "Oh my God, is that an NRA sticker on your car? Is that an Obama sticker on your car?" Well, that’s okay—you go and then I’ll go.

And sure, at some point there will be a selfish jerk who zips up the shoulder and cuts in at the last minute, but that individual is rare and he is scorned -- and not hired as an analyst.

Because we know instinctively as a people that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light we have to work together and the truth is, there will always be darkness. And sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t the promised land.

Sometimes it’s just New Jersey. But we do it anyway, together.

If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. You’re presence was what I wanted.

Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.