LA?

I don't usually read signs (life signs, that is. I can certainly stand to read a few "beware of dog" signs) and I don't technically believe in them either. BUUUUUT I'm getting signs that I should go to LA next semester:

1. ALLEGEDLY my grandpa is going to give me his car. WOW! I can't even believe it! My grandpa ALWAYS comes through for me! I feel like I'm abusing our relationship! Plus, this is the car I learned to drive on, and thus my day dreams of driving around LA are INFINITELY less terrifying now that a specific car is in place. Plus it alleviates money issues (that's actually the most important part).

2. I not only got the solo I wanted for Chords ("Right As Rain"), which is a miracle because everyone was so good!! but I also got the solo for "He Can Only Hold Her." The reason I take this as a sign is because these will officially be my last solos for the rest of my days in Chords (BAH!!) whether I stay the second semester or not--you can only have two solos at a time.

3. Today in class, the guy came through to encourage us to go to LA. I've seen his presentation at least twice before, and I'm obviously increasingly interested each time. He told us that it SIGNIFICANTLY increases your chances of getting a job after you graduate, ESPECIALLY if you go as a second semester senior. All you need to apply is a 3.0 or higher (done), $50, a short essay on why I want to go, and a recommendation from one professor (and I will NOT be afraid to ask Professor Loman, my TV comedy and TV comedy writing professor). AND it costs the same amount as going here (which I already knew).

3b. After class, I stopped to chat with Pat on my way out of COM. As I was leaving the building, the guy who did the presentation was also leaving the building and asked me where the SED building was. I told him and he asked if that's where I was going... and it was. So I walked with him to SED and we had a short chat about how I'm probably going to apply and him asking me if I was scared and me talking about driving. He was obviously very encouraging on the matter.

Those are pretty hefty signs, I think.

I was talking to my mom about how I was worried... which I HAVE to stop doing because there isn't a single thing someone can say to me about going to LA that isn't going to piss me off. A lot of people scold-ish me. They tell me that decisions HAVE to be made and that I need to get over it. My mother falls in this category. There are people who think I'm having a nervous breakdown and encourage me to not fall over and die over my decision. My grandpa did that. There are people that tell me what I want to hear. There are people that don't listen at all-- they just say something cliche and change the subject (I don't blame these people... but it IS annoying). I can't really blame any of these people because III know that I don't want to hear it. I don't want advice.

I think the biggest hinderance is that I'm so comfortable here. I don't want to be sappy about my home life, and hopefully I won't, but I think it's pretty clear that I don't take any pleasure being at my home or with my family. "Uncomfortable" is a mild term for how I feel in my home. Fine. But HERE I'm comfortable. I have goals here. I have friends. I can go home and relax... and even though I know it has to end no matter what, it's scary to think of deserting it before I absolutely have to. Because... if and when I leave, I don't have any safe haven anymore. All of my friends from here will become the equivalent of my friends in PA-- most of them will completely disappear out of my life and I'll still think about 2 or 3 of them.... but even then, they'll serve as a partner in nostalgia and maybe I'll keep ONE friend, maybe ONE person who I will actively think about and actively want to be with.

More importantly, I don't think I'll come back. Likely never to Boston again, and I already hardly go back to PA and I only live 7 hours away right now.

Of course, there are golden opportunities. If I go to LA, I am more likely to get the job of my dreams than if I take any other path. I may meet the most terrific people and be more comfortable there than ever before. Maybe my vacations will be to Colorado, and then I can cultivate more of a relationship with my dad. I'm closer to Seattle and Portland, my dream cities.

And the incredibly neutral truths:

1. I'm going to have to leave Boston anyway, so it might as well be for next semester when it's most beneficial to me.

2. I don't have regrets, but if I don't go, it might be one.

I'm getting pangs of sadness and I haven't even decided yet. Although... it kind of looks like I have...