Ode to Kevin

2 things:

1. I have to use a FAN right now because my room has some uncontrollable heat. Today I tried to have perspective and I realize that some people live in deserts. That being said, last night I absolutely LITERALLY slept with my face right next to the window (which is thankfully at face height on my bed) so that I could breathe in the heat. The rest of my body, which was dressed in a tank top and underwear only, was completely unblanketed. With the window open!! IN BOSTON!! And I assure you, it is FREEZING outside. Today I put the fan in the window. It's insane! And a HUUUGE waste of energy!

2. I realized about a week ago that I haven't laughed in a really long time. I've thought things were funny, and I've chuckled recently, but I used to laugh ALL THE TIME! Huge GUTTERAL laughs!! Every day! I'm sooooo sad Kevin is gone!! The thing is, I'm sure it's a manifestation of this realization and missing Kevin, but I feel like I can feel the difference in my body. Like my chest cavity is filling with something really uncomfortable, and I WOULD be able to laugh it out except that I never laugh. The other day I tried simulating laughter but it didn't work and it made me feel REALLY dumb. Yesterday I tried to laugh excessively at things that were only a little funny, but it was unsatisfying and it still wasn't enough.

The thing is, what now? I was SOOOOO spoiled before! I just want Kevin to come back!! Not that I want to just use him for his hilarity, but ... even when I was PISSED at him, he would make me laugh like 100 times a day! The kind of laughter where NOTHING is as funny! Like HISTERICAL, on the verge of BREAKDOWN laughing! The funniest thing that I've heard in a long time was when my friend Jenn wanted to call crepes "freedom pancakes" because she hated this French kid. That happened 2 or 3 weeks ago. And I still remember. And it isn't even THAT amazing upon recollection (not to diminish her joke).

I think this is partially the reason for the obsessive late night talk shows. I'm replacing Kevin with professional funny men who can tell me something new every day. They aren't as funny.

It's just SO LAME because I can't think of another person who has ever had a great Kevin like I did. I was so spoiled. I don't feel like anyone could even sympathize with me because I don't know anyone who really got to laugh as much as I did. And don't even get me started with Kevin and Pat together!

I know I used to have an insane amount of gay men in my life, and that it was confusing and frustrating for me. But now I have so many girls in my life -- and I LOOOOOVE them and can't live without them. But we almost exclusively talk about feelings and serious issues. I need more Kevin!!

I survived in high school. I guess it'll be okay.